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All Out

Want to come out to wife

Created by

unsureguy

Created

23/04/17

Views

157

Replies

8

Created: 23/04/17
Views: 157
Replies: 8
 
unsureguy said,
Beginning of thread

I've been feeling that I should tell my wife about my feelings of same-sex attraction. How have other guys here done this? How do I start the conversation? Is there anything to be weary of before trying it?

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danh said,

Hi unsureguy,
I told my wife about 2.5 years ago, the day after our 15th wedding anniversary. I'd come to accept my homosexuality about 18 months and just couldn't find how to tell her. That realisation resulted in me having a severe panic attack. Unfortunately I was not the brave person I wanted to be, rather I was forced into admitting the truth after some confronting evidence came up. For a while I felt complete relief at unburdening myself with that but at the same time I felt incredibly sad and distraught. Fast forward to now and we are still together although things are vastly different. We both want to continue the relationship but I am repressing my urges, which is basically killing me inside. I don't know how long I can continue this for without something changing. I often regret that I had to come clean with the truth, but I am happy that I no longer have to lie to the person I love the most. Incidentally, no one else in our lives knows the truth, so we are both in the closet together (in a sense). In the past I satisfied my same sex urges by cheating, which not only left me in a precarious mental state because of the guilt etc, but risked the sexual health of my wife as well. I realise that now but I cannot change what I have already done. I suffer from anxiety and depression, and I struggle every day. I long for the freedom to do what I want without the fear of judgement but I believe I won't find that in reality, such is my experience with homophobia everywhere around me.

My belief is that our wives/partners/spouses deserve to know the truth We also owe it to ourselves to be honest. I feared losing everything I had - I didn't. But I am afraid of what will come in the future. How will I find my happiness again? Will I ever able to be truly 'gay', whatever that is? I am still on my path to find out where my life is headed. Sometimes I just want out of it all and to be free of the daily conflict in my head. The only person who knows my secret is also the only one who is helping me so I keep trying.

If I can be of any help please let me know.

Dan

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unsureguy said,

Hi Dan,

Thanks you for sharing your story. Your feelings of longing for freedom and having a daily conflict in your head are definitely ones I can strongly relate too. Every day I get more and more frustrated with hiding my sexuality from the world and from the people I care about. I still live with the fear of what will happen if I come out.

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Billy63 said,

I came out to my wife yesterday after 27 years. Was hardest thing I have ever done but keeping it in was harder. She didn't castrate me as I thought she would. She informed me that we can get through this. She wants to go to the Doctors with me. Apparently there is an epidemic out there. They must be able to treat it by now. Why is life so hard?

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witz50 said,

I'm now 66 and came out to the lady who was then my wife about 30 years ago. I have been gay since I was 10 minutes old but got married because I really didn't know what else to do. My coming out was forced by my wife finding a box of gay mags in the shed. She was very understanding and in fact relieved. She thought that I had been seeing another woman - apparently seeing guys was not such an affront to her. To cut a long story short - we remained friends until she died last year. We had a son who I came out to when he was about 10 - his reaction - "Tell me something I don't already know dad" and I can truly say that our relationship was never diminished by me being gay. I live in a small country town and was initially worried about the reaction from the locals. My son did not want me to come out until he left for boarding school in case he got teased/bullied or whatever. Once he went i gradually came out to various friends and in a small town word soon got around. I have never been in anyone's face about being gay but at the same time have not tried to hide the fact. I've been on heaps of committees and have never had an issue. I guess what I am trying to say is that coming out may not be any where near as bad as you imagine. The freedom of being yourself is the biggest gift that you give yourself. Being fearful and anxious is no way to live. I know it is different for each individual but from my experience if you take it quietly and just get on with life you'll be amazed at how accepting most people are. I went to a psychologist for a while but didn't find it very helpful. Try and build a network of gay friends who can help you and support you in those moments of doubt. ( I found that the girls at work were fiercely protective of me)
This is a bit long winded I know but I hope it helps in some way.

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Bruce said,

I once fell madly in love with a guy, after many years of marriage with my wife during which I was 'convinced' I was straight with possibly a 'soft spot' for 'hot' men.
Told my wife within a couple of weeks, because she is and was THE woman in my life and we shared (and still share) almost everything.
This is now 5 years ago. We both went through a very very difficult time, I don't want to make it sound easier than it was. It was one of the saddest episodes in my life.
Eventually she started to believe that I was bi or gay and asked me to leave.
After years of struggle we found a way to live our own life with a touch of 'modern family', seeing each other regularly (including new partners), going out together sometimes, even on holidays occasionally and the kids (almost grown up) are completely used to it. We never stopped loving each other.
If I would have been smart, insightful or brave enough to also acknowledge my attraction to men before we got married, I would have told her. She would have deserved that.
This is not to say that there is a 'right' or 'wrong'; I deeply believe in being completely honest to the partner I share my life with. That's why I have an 'open relationship' with the man I love and with whom I live.

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