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From the Other Side of the Fence

Created by

curiouswriter

Created

23/07/17

Views

45

Replies

2

Created: 23/07/17
Views: 45
Replies: 2
 
curiouswriter said,
Beginning of thread

In the spirit of research and healing, I hope you’ll forgive me for intruding to ask some questions and make some comments. My husband and I parted ways nearly 3 years ago because I discovered his attraction to men. I’ll never know for sure what happened, but from what I can see, it appears that he led a double life for many years and quite likely continues to do so today. Despite a swift and rocky split, we are on decently good terms now and have a good co-parenting relationship for our 2 young boys. He is remarried to a woman who knows about his “past.” Now for the question…I’m a creative nonfiction writer. I have a strong desire to write a memoir that I believe would offer insight and healing to people on both sides of the fence—both the straight and gay or bisexual spouse. And I think it would encourage dialogue about sexuality beyond the gay-straight dichotomy we’re so used to thinking in. However, my ex husband is not “out.” And in all honestly, I don’t even really know what his sexual identity is. I doubt he knows either. As someone on the other side of the fence from me, what advice do you have as I contemplate proceeding with this project? I’d also like to make a comment for those of you hanging onto marriage and pursuing your desires on the side. Finding out about my husband’s infidelity and going through the divorce process was hell. But the upside is that I gained new freedom that allowed my sexuality to bloom. For obvious reasons, my husband and I had a pretty dismal, routine sex life. I could never figure out how to please him, and over time I lost interest. I thought it must just be part of the marriage package. Post-divorce, I found out what it’s like to be with someone who truly desires you physically and who has obvious pleasurable responses to the things you do to his body. That is a game changer. So if you think your wife just isn’t into sex, she may just not be having the right kind of sex for her. By being authentic, you set both yourself and her free. She’ll probably hate you at least at first and maybe even for a very long time, but for me, living in truth has been a hell of a lot better. There is more to life and marriage than sex, but it’s a very important piece of the puzzle and not worth denying. I realize I can’t possibly know what it’s like to be standing in your shoes, but I hope that sharing my story helps in some way as you trudge through your journey.

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dale said,
End of thread

Hello curiouswriter, thanks for sharing your insight and a bit of your story. I'd love to hear more, feel free to contact: stride@vac.org.au

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