Hi,

I am 28 and I am engaged to be married to a woman I have been with for 9 years.
We have 2 children (7 and 4) and have been through a lot of turmoil in our relationship.
I have always loved her and I love my kids.
However, I have known something was different about me since I was 11.
I have always looked at guys AND girls but have always kept quiet about the guys.
I have had some secret relations with guys - nothing penetrative. But have always felt dirty after.
I always used to think that because of society that's exactly how I should feel.
I've tried to move away from it and forget about it but the more I've tried over the years the worse it has become.
We are due to marry in march next year and I feel like if I marry her I will have to commit because of financial, personal, social and moral issues.
I don't really have anyone to talk to and I'm struggling in where to talk to someone or some sort of advice.
Someone in the same situation as me...
I don't want to come out when I'm 40 just because that is the norm and my kids will be older and understand more.
I have always put others before me and have always tried to make people happy and it think this is a detriment to my own happiness.

Thank you for sharing your situation with us INeedAnswers.

The challenges that you describe are very real, and actually the reason that DALE exists.

You're certainly not alone. I was in a similar situation a few years ago, and many of the other DALE members and moderators have been through it too.

Obviously I'm no expert, since this is a peer- forum. And I don't pretend to have all the answers.
If you need any professional help you can always click on the Support tab at the top of this page.

However, as a guy who's been through a similar situation, I think it's helpful to pose a simple question to yourself:

"What would I do if I wanted to end my relationship for any other reason?"

Sometimes, because being same-gender attracted is our deep, dark, 'dirty' secret, it carries a lot of shame and self-stigma, and guilt.

However, you have a right to live as your authentic self, to exist, and not to feel ashamed of who you are.

And you have a right to call off a wedding when you know you don't want to get married...for ANY reason. When it doesn't feel right...

Sometimes relationships end.
Any person who's ever been divorced can tell you that it sucks - it's challenging, it takes compromise, and you lose the status quo. It's hard to end a relationship, whether gay or straight or bi or anything else.

But there is always a way through it.

The reason I posed the question above is because I think you should never let your internal feelings of shame and guilt force you into a decision that is wrong for you.

And you've made a really good point, that a tough decision at 28 years old doesn't magically become easy at age 40.
All it means is that another 12 years have passed for you and your partner living under the burden of secrets.
You might find that change now ends up meaning both you and your family are happier in 12 years time, having found a better 'fit' for yourselves in life.

All the best mate, and please never feel any pressure to take action before you're ready, and can do so safely.

Jimbo

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