I'm a happily married man and want to stay that way. But my attraction towards the same sex is getting distracting. I have children. I've struggled with depression and anxiety over the years and am wondering if my underlying unhappiness is because I'm in a heterosexual relationship and feel the need for a homosexual one? How do I deal with this? I fear that when my children grow up and move out I'll leave my wife for a "mans life". Hoping it will all pass and realise I should be very happy with what I already have but I can't ignore my feelings.

Hi Thomas, many guys have been in a similar situation and that's exactly why we've setup this online community - to talk through the experiences of like minded guys. And to answer your question about how to deal with this, you're already on the right track by opening up to have the conversation.

Thomas, you should join in on the next live chat session. There was just one this AM, but there's another coming up. Just check the Upcoming Live Chat section.

Hi Thomas,

Firstly, welcome! and know that you are not alone or unique in your thinking or situation. I would like to acknowledge your strength to start this conversation.

Coming along to this forum and opening up hopefully is the first step to finding your way. Speaking from my own experience, anxiety and depression certainly played a big part in my own process of accepting my sexual preferences - and I would not be honest if I say they still don't come in to play a certain times.

How long have you been conscious of your attraction to men? Do you feel it has been an inhibited feeling for a long time that is starting to surface now? Many of us have ignored/blocked (subconsciously) our attraction to men due to cultural, social, religious or other factors as we grew up - but that does not mean it's the same for you.

Towards the end of my marriage, before I really understood my sexuality, I was suffering from anxiety and depression and just wasn't happy but could not initially pin point what was triggering it. I certainly appeared happy on the outside and my ex-wife had no idea what was circulating in my head. Even had a sea-change and moved overseas with my then wife and son - as I put it down to work stress at that time. It was then, when away from my 'old' life, I started to discover (or I would say realise) my attraction to men. Things started to fall into place in my head with why I just had never really 'felt right' about myself which had lead me to always feel insecure, anxious and then depressed.

Having said all of this, the BIG question you are asking is how you deal with this, especially if you wish to maintain the 'happily married' life. You're already started to possibly accept your same-sex attraction and that it may be the trigger for your unhappiness on the inside. Would you say you are truly happily married?

In the months before I finally told my wife about my attraction to men, I went through hell on earth with anxiety and depression as I thought I could have been going through a 'phase' and what if it never really worked out and I have then lost the person I loved? It was a massive step! I had a then 7 yo son who's life I felt I was also going to destroy if I ended the relationship.

That was 3 1/2 years ago now and whilst it has not all been smooth sailing, it has been for the better.

I hope sharing some of my story has provided some answers, if not, then a good read :)

Hi Thomas,

If you're in Sydney have a look a http://www.gamma.org.au a support group for men who have been in long term heterosexual relationships and are coming to terms with their same sex attraction. They have a support hotline should you wish to talk 1800 804 617.

Hi Thomas, I know its scary, but one thing I have learned is that the feelings don't go away. I think it is fair to say that depression goes hand in hand with suppressing feelings, as there is a sense of hopelessness that goes with trying to keep it all together. For me, the best thing was jumping off the cliff and facing it, and of course the depression stopped as well. It takes time, but if your like me, you can still have a very active and honest relationship with your children (mind were 10, 10 and 6 when I came out) and a strong friendship with your ex wife. Its not easy, but it is a whole lot easier than the alternative.

Hi all - not sure exactly what I'm needing to say here - or why I'm saying it - I'm pretty happily married for over 20 years - although no sexual connection for around 2-3...we're working on that though - as we're still attracted to each other - just life getting in the way at the moment! I truly love my wife, and sex with her and want to spend the rest of my life as her partner...we have 2 amazing kids - and I don't want to end this family I have... But, now the tricky part, I mess around with guys regularly - always discriminating - nothing risky...but I have this need to play out this side of me. Is it possible to have my life and "scratch my itch"? - weird thing is that I'd never mess about with another woman - THAT would seem like cheating on my wife....

Dear Newbiadel. I am amazed that you posted this 16 days ago, and that no-one has responded to your dilemma. So here goes.

My take on it, is that your situation is almost exactly the same situation which most of us married, previously-thought-that-we-were-hetero guys, experience or have experienced.

On reading your message, I would say that you have already seemingly found a suitable way to integrate those two sexual threads of your life; in a way which is not damaging to your marriage and relationships. Congratulations on that!

AND my married fuckbuddies and I, all relate very strongly to your approach that as long as we are not having extra-marital sex with a female, then we are not really cheating on our wife/marriage. That is exactly how we feel. Of course we know that our wives will most definitely not see it the same way; but for the moment this approach works for us.

Best wishes for a successful juggling of the tensions.