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All Out

Married and Coming Out THE GUILT!

Created by

JR

Created

05/06/19

Views

60

Replies

6

Created: 05/06/19
Views: 60
Replies: 6
 
JR said,
Beginning of thread

Hi all, this is my 1st post, Wow I can’t believe that I am not the only one in the same situation, I have been married for 24 years been with my wife for 27 years and have 3 great kids. For about the last 15 or so years I have know that secretly I was gay. Hiding it and dealing with it and getting on with my married life. For the last couple of years it’s been harder and harder to deal with and constantly drifting away from my wife and I guess trying to push her away to make our marriage break apart. It has been so hard at times I’ve been at the brink of suicide as it seemed the only way out. Each time when I’ve got my gun out to do it or lined up a tree on the road to run into all Ive been able to think of is my kids. I know it’s a cowards way out but at times it seems the only way out. Well 5 weeks ago I plucked up the courage (after an argument that I instigated to try and bring my marriage to an end) to tell my wife of my secret I have been hiding for what seems to feel a life time. I have also told my kids and my close family. To my surprise everyone including my wife is so supportive and accepting but I have and am really struggling with the guilt and the shame. Although I have not physically cheated on my wife I have developed a very close friendship with a gay male friend and we do have an extremely emotional connection. I have been completely honest with my wife about my friendship with my friend and again she is really supportive. To say our lives in the last 5 weeks has been an emotional roller coaster is an absolute understatement. When I have a good day then Im completely smashed down the next with the feelings of guilt and shame. I would be lying if I didn’t say the suicide option raises its ugly head as the only way out.
Can someone who has been in the same situation please tell it’s goi to be alright and how long does it take for the guilt to pass. PLEASE.
Thanks J
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Sailor said,

Hi JR.
I'm in a similar situation. I've been with my wife for 30 years, married for 27. When I was younger, I had myself convinced I was bi. I thought getting married would change things and make those feelings go away. Well after so long, and raising three great kids, they haven't. I have never cheated on my wife, but over the last several years the urges to act again on my same sex attraction have only gotten stronger. I'm at the point now where it's become a real need that I have to fulfill. I want sex with a guy...simple as that..I'm gay.
I've been living this lie for so long. I do feel the guilt. And have recently thought more about being honest and coming out. It's a big deal for me. I go to gay bars and see everyone having a good time, being happy, being their true selves. That's what I want.

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JR said,

Hi Sailor, thanks for reading and responding to my post, I have to say another week has passed since my post which makes 6 weeks since I came out to my wife and kids, things do seem to be getting a little easier, don’t get me wrong it’s still a roller coaster of emotions from day to day but having the support of my wife now that I have come out is a far better relief than keeping a hold of a consuming secret that haunted me everyday. The guilt is still there and I think it will be for a while yet just thinking about how I could do this to my family but it’s a far lesser pain than if I had have lost the fight to keep living. We are talking and planning our separate lives and I have to say we have been getting along so much better than we have for a long time. Out of all of this I have realised that if 2 people really love each other all they want for each other is to be truly happy and even though there is a lot of hurt and pain involved in coming out I truly know and believe it is the best outcome no matter how daunting it seems. Slowly the pain of separation will heal but In the end we all deserve honesty and happiness to one another and that can not be done by living a lie.
We all deserve better than that as life is too short. I hope this helps you to make the plunge and face your fears.
Good Luck

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JR said,

Hi Sailor, thanks for reading and responding to my post, I have to say another week has passed since my post which makes 6 weeks since I came out to my wife and kids, things do seem to be getting a little easier, don’t get me wrong it’s still a roller coaster of emotions from day to day but having the support of my wife now that I have come out is a far better relief than keeping a hold of a consuming secret that haunted me everyday. The guilt is still there and I think it will be for a while yet just thinking about how I could do this to my family but it’s a far lesser pain than if I had have lost the fight to keep living. We are talking and planning our separate lives and I have to say we have been getting along so much better than we have for a long time. Out of all of this I have realised that if 2 people really love each other all they want for each other is to be truly happy and even though there is a lot of hurt and pain involved in coming out I truly know and believe it is the best outcome no matter how daunting it seems. Slowly the pain of separation will heal but In the end we all deserve honesty and happiness to one another and that can not be done by living a lie.
We all deserve better than that as life is too short. I hope this helps you to make the plunge and face your fears.
Good Luck

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Sailor said,

Thank you JR. It's good to hear from guys who have gone through and come out to their wives. I'm going to do it at some point. Thanks for your encouraging words. 😊

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JR said,

Hi Sailor, thanks for reading and responding to my post, I have to say another week has passed since my post which makes 6 weeks since I came out to my wife and kids, things do seem to be getting a little easier, don’t get me wrong it’s still a roller coaster of emotions from day to day but having the support of my wife now that I have come out is a far better relief than keeping a hold of a consuming secret that haunted me everyday. The guilt is still there and I think it will be for a while yet just thinking about how I could do this to my family but it’s a far lesser pain than if I had have lost the fight to keep living. We are talking and planning our separate lives and I have to say we have been getting along so much better than we have for a long time. Out of all of this I have realised that if 2 people really love each other all they want for each other is to be truly happy and even though there is a lot of hurt and pain involved in coming out I truly know and believe it is the best outcome no matter how daunting it seems. Slowly the pain of separation will heal but In the end we all deserve honesty and happiness to one another and that can not be done by living a lie.
We all deserve better than that as life is too short. I hope this helps you to make the plunge and face your fears.
Good Luck

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dale said,

Hi JR,

Thank you for posting on here. It can be a really full on experience and thanks for being brave enough to share it on here. You're absolutely right - you're not alone in this situation. It sounds like as each week goes by things are getting better.

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JR said,

Hi Sailor, thanks for reading and responding to my post, I have to say another week has passed since my post which makes 6 weeks since I came out to my wife and kids, things do seem to be getting a little easier, don’t get me wrong it’s still a roller coaster of emotions from day to day but having the support of my wife now that I have come out is a far better relief than keeping a hold of a consuming secret that haunted me everyday. The guilt is still there and I think it will be for a while yet just thinking about how I could do this to my family but it’s a far lesser pain than if I had have lost the fight to keep living. We are talking and planning our separate lives and I have to say we have been getting along so much better than we have for a long time. Out of all of this I have realised that if 2 people really love each other all they want for each other is to be truly happy and even though there is a lot of hurt and pain involved in coming out I truly know and believe it is the best outcome no matter how daunting it seems. Slowly the pain of separation will heal but In the end we all deserve honesty and happiness to one another and that can not be done by living a lie.
We all deserve better than that as life is too short. I hope this helps you to make the plunge and face your fears.
Good Luck

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Kz83 said,
End of thread

What a great outcome JR, especially after so many years married. I assume that your children are older and fully understand the situation. My wife and I have been married 10 years but together 17 years, since we were teenagers. Our children are still small and feel that a coming out now would really impact on their wellbeing. I too have had suicidal thoughts and it really isn’t the answer. I guess the pain becomes almost unbearable but our children need us.
What has it been like a few months on in terms of 1. The shame and guilt 2. Relationship with your children 3. Starting a new life on your own after being married so many years?

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