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All Out

Married and Coming Out THE GUILT!

Created by

JR

Created

05/06/19

Views

155

Replies

8

Created: 05/06/19
Views: 155
Replies: 8
 
JR said,
Beginning of thread

Hi all, this is my 1st post, Wow I can’t believe that I am not the only one in the same situation, I have been married for 24 years been with my wife for 27 years and have 3 great kids. For about the last 15 or so years I have know that secretly I was gay. Hiding it and dealing with it and getting on with my married life. For the last couple of years it’s been harder and harder to deal with and constantly drifting away from my wife and I guess trying to push her away to make our marriage break apart. It has been so hard at times I’ve been at the brink of suicide as it seemed the only way out. Each time when I’ve got my gun out to do it or lined up a tree on the road to run into all Ive been able to think of is my kids. I know it’s a cowards way out but at times it seems the only way out. Well 5 weeks ago I plucked up the courage (after an argument that I instigated to try and bring my marriage to an end) to tell my wife of my secret I have been hiding for what seems to feel a life time. I have also told my kids and my close family. To my surprise everyone including my wife is so supportive and accepting but I have and am really struggling with the guilt and the shame. Although I have not physically cheated on my wife I have developed a very close friendship with a gay male friend and we do have an extremely emotional connection. I have been completely honest with my wife about my friendship with my friend and again she is really supportive. To say our lives in the last 5 weeks has been an emotional roller coaster is an absolute understatement. When I have a good day then Im completely smashed down the next with the feelings of guilt and shame. I would be lying if I didn’t say the suicide option raises its ugly head as the only way out.
Can someone who has been in the same situation please tell it’s goi to be alright and how long does it take for the guilt to pass. PLEASE.
Thanks J
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Sailor said,

Hi JR.
I'm in a similar situation. I've been with my wife for 30 years, married for 27. When I was younger, I had myself convinced I was bi. I thought getting married would change things and make those feelings go away. Well after so long, and raising three great kids, they haven't. I have never cheated on my wife, but over the last several years the urges to act again on my same sex attraction have only gotten stronger. I'm at the point now where it's become a real need that I have to fulfill. I want sex with a guy...simple as that..I'm gay.
I've been living this lie for so long. I do feel the guilt. And have recently thought more about being honest and coming out. It's a big deal for me. I go to gay bars and see everyone having a good time, being happy, being their true selves. That's what I want.

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JR said,

Hi Sailor, thanks for reading and responding to my post, I have to say another week has passed since my post which makes 6 weeks since I came out to my wife and kids, things do seem to be getting a little easier, don’t get me wrong it’s still a roller coaster of emotions from day to day but having the support of my wife now that I have come out is a far better relief than keeping a hold of a consuming secret that haunted me everyday. The guilt is still there and I think it will be for a while yet just thinking about how I could do this to my family but it’s a far lesser pain than if I had have lost the fight to keep living. We are talking and planning our separate lives and I have to say we have been getting along so much better than we have for a long time. Out of all of this I have realised that if 2 people really love each other all they want for each other is to be truly happy and even though there is a lot of hurt and pain involved in coming out I truly know and believe it is the best outcome no matter how daunting it seems. Slowly the pain of separation will heal but In the end we all deserve honesty and happiness to one another and that can not be done by living a lie.
We all deserve better than that as life is too short. I hope this helps you to make the plunge and face your fears.
Good Luck

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JR said,

Hi Sailor, thanks for reading and responding to my post, I have to say another week has passed since my post which makes 6 weeks since I came out to my wife and kids, things do seem to be getting a little easier, don’t get me wrong it’s still a roller coaster of emotions from day to day but having the support of my wife now that I have come out is a far better relief than keeping a hold of a consuming secret that haunted me everyday. The guilt is still there and I think it will be for a while yet just thinking about how I could do this to my family but it’s a far lesser pain than if I had have lost the fight to keep living. We are talking and planning our separate lives and I have to say we have been getting along so much better than we have for a long time. Out of all of this I have realised that if 2 people really love each other all they want for each other is to be truly happy and even though there is a lot of hurt and pain involved in coming out I truly know and believe it is the best outcome no matter how daunting it seems. Slowly the pain of separation will heal but In the end we all deserve honesty and happiness to one another and that can not be done by living a lie.
We all deserve better than that as life is too short. I hope this helps you to make the plunge and face your fears.
Good Luck

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Sailor said,

Thank you JR. It's good to hear from guys who have gone through and come out to their wives. I'm going to do it at some point. Thanks for your encouraging words. 😊

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JR said,

Hi Sailor, thanks for reading and responding to my post, I have to say another week has passed since my post which makes 6 weeks since I came out to my wife and kids, things do seem to be getting a little easier, don’t get me wrong it’s still a roller coaster of emotions from day to day but having the support of my wife now that I have come out is a far better relief than keeping a hold of a consuming secret that haunted me everyday. The guilt is still there and I think it will be for a while yet just thinking about how I could do this to my family but it’s a far lesser pain than if I had have lost the fight to keep living. We are talking and planning our separate lives and I have to say we have been getting along so much better than we have for a long time. Out of all of this I have realised that if 2 people really love each other all they want for each other is to be truly happy and even though there is a lot of hurt and pain involved in coming out I truly know and believe it is the best outcome no matter how daunting it seems. Slowly the pain of separation will heal but In the end we all deserve honesty and happiness to one another and that can not be done by living a lie.
We all deserve better than that as life is too short. I hope this helps you to make the plunge and face your fears.
Good Luck

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dale said,

Hi JR,

Thank you for posting on here. It can be a really full on experience and thanks for being brave enough to share it on here. You're absolutely right - you're not alone in this situation. It sounds like as each week goes by things are getting better.

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JR said,

Hi Sailor, thanks for reading and responding to my post, I have to say another week has passed since my post which makes 6 weeks since I came out to my wife and kids, things do seem to be getting a little easier, don’t get me wrong it’s still a roller coaster of emotions from day to day but having the support of my wife now that I have come out is a far better relief than keeping a hold of a consuming secret that haunted me everyday. The guilt is still there and I think it will be for a while yet just thinking about how I could do this to my family but it’s a far lesser pain than if I had have lost the fight to keep living. We are talking and planning our separate lives and I have to say we have been getting along so much better than we have for a long time. Out of all of this I have realised that if 2 people really love each other all they want for each other is to be truly happy and even though there is a lot of hurt and pain involved in coming out I truly know and believe it is the best outcome no matter how daunting it seems. Slowly the pain of separation will heal but In the end we all deserve honesty and happiness to one another and that can not be done by living a lie.
We all deserve better than that as life is too short. I hope this helps you to make the plunge and face your fears.
Good Luck

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Kz83 said,

What a great outcome JR, especially after so many years married. I assume that your children are older and fully understand the situation. My wife and I have been married 10 years but together 17 years, since we were teenagers. Our children are still small and feel that a coming out now would really impact on their wellbeing. I too have had suicidal thoughts and it really isn’t the answer. I guess the pain becomes almost unbearable but our children need us.
What has it been like a few months on in terms of 1. The shame and guilt 2. Relationship with your children 3. Starting a new life on your own after being married so many years?

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JR said,

Hi Kz83, first of all Thankyou for taking the time to read my post 🙂.

A fair bit has happened in the 6 months after coming out . I like to say I do no regret 1 bit in my decision as I honestly believe that the course I was heading in was not a great one. To say it’s been easy everyday would be a lie, As time goes past I am having a lot more good days than bad ones and my visits to the psychologist are getting less frequent🙂.
I guess still the hardest thing is the disbelief on my closest friends and family and to a point from some the lack of understanding and support. There are still times where if I going to be truthful I have questioned myself whether I can handle the rejection and pain caused by some of the closest people in my life which is honestly gut wrenching, but in the end it has made me realise that no matter how hard you try you can’t make a lot of people accept your decision as they do not and can not understand what it has been like for such a long time living the torment of a dark secret hoping that one day it would just magically go away. I am probably one of the luckiest people alive and that’s what keeps me going when I’m feeling down 🙂. I have a wonderful strong relationship with the most supportive and amazing ex wives you could ever ask for. We have the strongest connection we have ever had we are truly best friends when it would have been so easy for her to hate me for my decision especially if she listened to a lot of other people. As far as the kids go yes they are a bit older 17, 15 and 12. Now that a bit of time has gone by and the kids have slowly got used to the idea that I no longer live with them they have adjusted really well, they feel at home when they come and stay over and I spend a fair bit of time with them which is great. I have met someone fantastic and what’s even better is my ex wife has met him and they get along really well, my eldest daughter has met him and the other 2 talk about him and will be meeting him soon.
I know that this has been such a big life changing decision and most definitely not an easy one and there are still days of ups and downs but if I can say 1 thing it is that everyone deserves love and happiness and should not have to pretend to be someone they are not 🙂.
We tell our kids to be true to yourself and we will love you unconditionally so why should we not say the same to ourselves 🙂. The decision to come out was definitely worth it for everybody’s sake and not just my own. I hope this answers a few of your doubts, and it would be great to hear from you to see how you’re going.
Cheers .

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Guy_Little said,
End of thread

Wow, JR, Sailor & Kz83

Great to read your accounts on this thread. Especially the follow up from JR.

One thing I pick up on is the enormous guilt that we carry later in life likely due to the fears from our early years. This was true in my case, I knew at 8 years that I am gay. However, being raised in a strict, fundamental Christian family meant that I was terrified of anyone else finding out how "broken" I was.

Fast forward to 19 and I meet a lovely young woman in my church and decided that maybe I just need to marry and have hetero sex and it will "cure" by aberration. You know that didn't happen. A week after the wedding, I broke down and confessed to my wife I'd married her under false pretenses. She was keen to make a go of the marriage and "pray the gay away". Our first son arrived a couple of days after our first wedding anniversary. I decided to hang in for as long as I could. Our second son arrive two years after our first.

Until I was 35, my wife was the only other person who knew about my sexuality. It was then that I told my parents. They did not cope well with this news at all. It was never mentioned again. I was faithful to my wife but it was tricky. I was fortunate to have married what turned out to be my best friend and soul mate. We busied ourselves raising our family and in our church. As my sons reached their late teens and I told them. They were fine was the family was still in tact.

Around this time, I developed serious depression and eventually had two severe mental and emotional breakdowns. By my early 40s, I knew that living this life was going to kill me. I had started to discreetly meet some men for casual sex. The guilt ate at me. Eventually, I told my wife that I could not continue on with the marriage and that I had to live as my authentic self. A lot was riding on this decision - the prime reason I had avoided it for 40 years - as I knew that my decision to live as my authentic self meant that I would be excommunicated from the church. My parents, one of our two sons, and my entire social network shunned me from that day forward.

I am fortunate to have my youngest son and many extended family members outside of this church who have embraced and supported me. I have also since met a delightful partner and we have been together more than 3 years. It has been challenging. I missed my eldest son and his wife who I was very close to. However, I do not regret my decision and am building up a delightful group of self-chosen family along with my extended family.

I have a great support network and find solace in reading accounts of other men who are married and gay.

Wishing you three and whoever else reads this post every success in living your best life. We're here to support you however that it helpful to you.

Best regards
Guy

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