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Married, uncertain and guilty

Created by

Cg3golfer

Created

29/11/20

Views

54

Replies

7

Created: 29/11/20
Views: 54
Replies: 7
 
Cg3golfer said,
Beginning of thread

I am married a little over two years, have 2 stepdaughters and have recently been caught watching gay porn/I tend to watch both. I have all but come out to my wife, because I’m not sure I am gay. I am seeing two therapists, one straight, one gay. My therapists thinks I am bisexual (I kind of agree.) I sincerely love this woman. Outside of porn I have never been unfaithful. I want to carry on married to her but I feel so much guilt and anxiety about what I have done to her and fear I will hurt her again. Has anyone else been in this situation? I am also battling what feels like some depression. I am going to be put on some antidepressants and will continue therapy forever if I have to, but my brain hurts and I want my life to have some semblance of what it used to be. Does anyone have insight or help?
Thanks!

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Kz83 said,

You sound like me. That same thing happened a year after I was married. I was caught watching gay porn and my wife was absolutely devastated. That was 10 years ago. We decided to push it aside and went on to have kids. It reared it’s ugly head again a couple of years ago and that’s when I sought out therapy. It has been great for both of us. She is totally accepting of it and knows it’s not something I can help. While I prefer men, I’m convinced that staying married and being with my family is what is best for me at this point in life. My therapist worked very hard with me on what my priorities are. It was a gruelling process, and eventually a full coming out could happen, but I’m in a good place now. Stick with it mate, every situation is different.

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Cg3golfer said,

Did you eventually get over this first bout of guilt? Start feeling better? I have so much fun with my wife. Best person in the world. I want to feel like me again and try to move on from my excessive porn use as well.

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Kz83 said,

I definitely did and the therapy helped. The key was sorting out my priorities in life and accepting that things can change if they aren’t working. As for the porn, that’s what got me into trouble and in recent years started to affect my intimacy with my wife. I’m trying to cut it down too, it’s not good in excess and I was a big user.

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CG3GOLFER said,

A lot of these things sound very similar to me. Did you ever feel like she caught you doing something and you had to go away? This may be unique for me. I feel like everything I felt before kind of disappeared. Makes me sad.

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irViking said,

Hey. I have always considered myself bisexual. I had encounters with guys before meeting my wife. I told her two weeks after we started dating. She took a while to process it, as she was worried that one day I'd decide I wanted men over her. But she came around.
It would hurt her terribly if she knew I crave (and seek) male attention occasionally. She has recently validated my attraction to guys like Adam Lambert and that it's part of who I am.
We don't have an active sex life ourselves though, but it happens occasionally.
I do wonder how different my life would be, were I to have made different choices, but I have a beautiful woman who loves me and 2 toddlers who depend on me, so my fate is all but sealed I guess. I wouldn't want to leave them or hurt them for anything. It makes me want to cry even thinking about it.
My bipolar and ADHD impulse control issues don't help me very much with this though. You're not alone bud.

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Uza said,
End of thread

I only realised I was sexually attracted to men a few years ago in my 40s and had felt completely straight until then. Since that discovery I now realise I'm gay with a pretty lmited incidental attraction to women. I am married with children and wife doesn't know. I watch gay porn almost daily, check out guys at beach (rather than the women) and chat on grindr and have sex at gay spas occasionally. My marriage has been sexless for a few years and she hasn't asked for ut and I have some suspicion that she may be gay too. but I want to stay in marriage. Would love to have a sexual relationships with men more often or all the time. Will have to continue to live in closet I think and noone except guys I have had sex with know.

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