Buried Feelings

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Created: 03/06/21
Views: 485
Replies: 4
C.Gull said,
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Hi Guys, I'm 36 years of age and just going through a separation with my female partner of 4 years, iv put a lot of this down poor communication and lack of honesty and shared goals in the relationship.Basically apart from the sex there wasn't much of a connection...and even that I felt was more of a stress relief than a connection. But.... in trying to save the relationship we've both gone to see a psychotherapist and low and behold up pops my old nagging suspicion that I might be gay. This is something that iv questioned on and off my whole life and as a young man I vowed to myself never to do anything about it and therefore buried it (that's just what we did with all feelings in my family). And since then iv been trying to live life as a straight man. I have had some serious bouts of depression over the years and tried to talk this out with health professionals before but I couldn't seem to make it click.... I believe I'd buried it so deep that I couldn't access it at those times. So now through therapy I'm unpacking all these feelings which in turn is raising the old quandary of ....am I Gay? I guess what I'm looking for here is some advise on what to do next....I reckon it'd be good to chat with anyone who can relate in any way to this.Thanks Gents. And apologies for the ramblings.

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Flybibarefeet said,

Hiya, not sure i can help you and i only just joined this site. But with me, I am a very private person, and have kept my life very much secret and parcelised in different ways...well lately, i have been doing some soul searching...and i think that i am gay.
I started experimenting with guys in my mid-twenties, but never thought i was anything other than straight but with a kink, as i was the penetrating partner and that made me straight, right? Wrong, of course, i was just ridden with guilt, shame and internalised homophobia. After all, i was having healthy romantic and sexual relationships with women. I got engaged for a while, then met another girl and got married for a few years, but her possessiveness made me stray with both men and women. I accepted i was bisexual by age 30. But i divorced and met my current wife who i married and we had a good life, moving to the Middle East in 2008, and i was faithful, until she had a brief affair in 2013, that made me start pursuing intimacy with guys again and i allowed myself to be the penetrated partner for the first time and have unprotected sex, which i really enjoyed, and knew there and then i was submissive and more gay than straight, and being the "bottom" partner allowed me to come to terms with my feelings and open up to being intimate with men and without homophobic hangups. My wife had our daughter at the end of 2014 and put everything into her, and i was left as an unloved third party.
So i secretly dated other men and had relationships with guys, which intensified when she left the Middle East with my daughter to return home in 2016 whilst i stayed alone abroad for another 2 years and effectively led the life of a single (as in not married, but i had serial boyfriends), discreet gay man.
I guess i became very anxious about my sexuality because, although finding very few guys physically attractive and finding a lot of women attractive, i was becoming less and less sexually interested in women and more interested in men. And i felt, and still do, emotionally attracted to both sexes. I was very confused for a long time because of this, and my wife's coldness towards me...and i probably subconsciously suspected i could be gay ever since that first receptive anal sex encounter in 2013, and i have been only a "bb bottom" with guys and a regular giver of oral sex since 2013.
So there it is. I have had some online weekly counselling with a female LGBTQ sex and relationship therapist since last August and by November i had come to the realisation that i am homoflexible - predominantly homosexual but with the ability to have occasional sexual and romantic interest in women...but basically gay. I have even wondered on and off what it would be like to have a male life partner, a good looking intelligent caring man who exhibits the qualities i respect and have sought in the past with women.
So, i cannot tell my wife. She is anti-gay and very conservative and homophobic. She may subconsciously suspect that i am gay, because we are not intimate, very rarely have sex (like once or twice a year at most) and i never ask her for sex. She would naturally be hurt and angry if she found out about my sexuality and want a divorce, "out" me to everyone, leave me with next to nothing, and basically ruin my life, including my relationship with my young daughter. And at this time in my life, my family set up and living a comfortable lifestyle and seeing my daughter every day is more important to me than being with another man. But i have come out to a couple of trusted people, including a straight Filipino guy who i used to work with in the Middle East and who emailed me late last year. He was shocked and said he never suspected i was gay, and that he fully accepted and supported me...and that he is friends with many gay people in his home country. Those words made me feel like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and was very life affirming for me. I also very recently came out to a woman who i was almost obsessed about over her beauty and empathy in the Middle East and who was a yoga teacher. She was very happy that i had confided in her and found my true self, and on some subconscious level she suspected i was gay purely because i seemed a soft, sensitive soul who, whilst masculine, seemed to her to be keeping lots of things buried within myself. Again, it felt great to be able to come out to her. I even came out casually to a female waxing therapist who was giving me a nude all over bosy wax session, when we started chatting about our relationships, etc. She seemed extremely liberated and asked me all sorts of questions out of interest about my sexuality. She put me totally at ease and i never felt embarrassed about it. She even cracked a couple of saucy jokes with me, telling me “ok, i need to wax your anus and perineum now, so get on all fours, head down, bum up...i bet you have been in this position quite a few times before so you should be used to it!”...and “ok, so you are smooth as a baby's bum all over now. But your need to put cream on your knees, they look dry. You need to look after them, especially as by the sounds of it you seem to spend most of your time on your knees!”.
The truth is, part of me wants to be out and leading an authentic life, but part of me knows that at this time in my life, it is not practical. But if i can come out as gay to a very select few of highly trusted and trustworthy people who are non-judgemental and who are supportive of me, then i can at least gradually feel more accepted both internally and externally.
I was brought up in a very homophobic environment with no father figure and a strong mother. Everything around me told me that gay = wrong and so i think i was conditioned into being straight and dod not even consider the possibility of same-sex attraction until aged about 25, as i said. And this is why i have not been able to fully accept my homosexuality until recently, aged 47.
I hope that my story resonates with you and others and makes you realise that you are not alone.

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Quetzalli said,
End of thread

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