I can now see that I fell into what has been a pretty great marriage after a couple of sexual advances when I was a teen and then very early 20s, one from a relative's brother and the other from my new boss just weeks after he arrived in my workplace. Both sexual advances freaked me somewhat, especially the one from my boss.
I found a very happy hetero relationship and then married this wonderful woman, had 3 kids and saw them grow into adults we can be proud of.
But somewhere during the years my third child was still pretty young, I went on a work trip and had to share a room with another guy.
He came into the bathroom while I was in the shower at night and one thing led to another as I got pretty aroused.
Nothing more happened beyond that night with him, but it seemed the turning point at which I could not get other guys out of my mind and I started exploring beats and having anonymous encounters.
Fast forward to three decades into my marriage and I am now regularly hooking up with a guy I first met at a beat years ago and met up with again, by sheer chance, all these years later. Something special must have happened at that beat because we both recognised each other again.
I now carry on my marriage, with sex on the wane, but hook up regularly with my mate, who lives alone and is not out to his family. But he has never married and says he is happy to take his sexuality to the grave.
I, on the other hand, feel anxious about my double life, accept I am gay, and get my sexual health tested regularly for peace of mind.
I just don't know where my life should head now, as I don't feel content.

He who worries about the future, misses the enjoyment of today.

Tom it sounds like a dilemma for you and it happened to a mate of mine as well. All I can think of is that if you have a vision of how you want your life to be then considering how you get that is worthwhile. I suppose what I am saying is anxiety and discontentment are heavy things to live with and if there is a way of living a life where they are minimised....it has to be worth considering.

Thanks James66, I have some vision of how I want life to be, and as long as I don't have a totally unrealistic view of what that is, I reckon I can work towards it. I don't want to leave the 'wreckage' of other people in my wake though.

Hey Tom...having gone through almost exactly the same as you...I came out 6 years after my 3rd daughter was born. Whilst those initials years were tough...now 6 years on...living life authentically is the best gift ever. My ex-wife and children are still really close to me and we all still spend family time together. Drop me a note if you want to talk some more or we run regular support group meetings for Dad's like us...see here at gamma.org.au

Thanks Stu, not in Sydney unfortunately but appreciate your response re: gamma - I remain pretty worried about what I will do to the lives of other family members if I change my current situation