Please forgive me for the long post but I really struggle to untangle the mess which is my sexuality.

I am 45 years old, happily married and dearly love my wife but all my life I've struggled with secret desires for other men. I have fought these desires, sometimes quite successfully.

Successfully enough to convince myself I am straight for long periods of time. But with the hindsight of a middle aged man, I realise that heterosexual sex has always been a bit of a chore for me, even though I find women extraordinarily attractive and I should have had no problems in bed.

Something was always off.

It always felt like I didn't belong with women sexually, like somehow I was an imposter, or something vital was missing. Feeling the pressure to perform and the fear I couldn't. Something about the masculine/feminine dynamic not quite fitting, and the whole situation lacking almost all the forbidden thrill I associated with my suppressed homosexual desires. Sex with women, was/is an ordeal even though I genuinely find women attractive.

Excuse the clumsy analogy but it didn't feel like picking and eating delicious fruit from a beautiful garden, it felt like seeing a tasty looking fruit on a terrifyingly high tree which I had to climb, despite being afraid of heights, only for a fruit I couldn't open or which, whilst looking fantastic, just didn't taste quite right.

To add to the confusion, it wasn't like I lusted after the men I knew and saw around me. Looking at a man in jeans and t-shirt or a suit, with facial hair did nothing for me, whilst the woman in the skirt with makeup did.

So I was rarely attracted to the men around me, if ever! Fully clothed women were pleasing to my eye but men? Not at all.

But all my formative sexual exploration was with my male friends and since puberty, when I was alone in my most intimate moments, my most erotic fantasies have been powerfully fixated on naked mature men or men with their genitals exposed.

Naked men do something to me deep in my emotions. And I specifically mean naked or with penises exposed.

If I see a man in board shorts at the beach I'm still not interested and I will be far more attracted to my wife in her bikini than the bloke in the surf.

But a man whose genitals are exposed suddenly makes sense to me like nothing else ever has, it's like the bottom falls out of my world and I am overwhelmed with desire.

Partly because I find male genitalia excruciatingly erotic and fascinating, but also because of two other things.

1. It's forbidden fruit. I don't feel I'm supposed to be fascinated by a man's body, therefore it's always been secret and the secrecy makes it extra compelling, in a way that heterosexuality just doesn't. Heterosexual desire is bread and butter. As a young man I could sit around in the pub and brag about how I found a woman attractive and get camaraderie in return. I can quite happily tell my friends and family that I find my wife's body attractive, but sitting in the pub or around the family dinner table and admitting I found the 50 year old man in the shower at the swimming baths achingly erotic? Probably not going to go down well.

2. There is a deep and primal power dynamic in my desire for men. With the women I have been with, it has always been just mutual attraction going along in tandem, or, more often; I as the man, take the lead. She is the desirable one and I'm just acting upon my desire. But when I think of being attracted to a naked man, it feels like he has a power over me. He has caught me on his hook and I'm a helpless fish being reeled in. Especially as I have always tried to fight these desires. Needing a naked man and the thought of my resolve buckling and going to him feels like a surrender. And there's just no getting around it; I find it incredibly erotic the thought of another man having such a profound primal power over me. And another man having power over me makes me feel desirable, pursued, and wanted; in a way I don't with women. I feel erotic. Like a sexual being, a vulnerable morsel on his menu rather than in the usual bloke role of having to take the lead. An oaf hoping to earn her affection, rather than being an object of desire in my own right.

But it's not like men hang around naked or with their genitals exposed in public, waiting for me to melt at their feet.

So my desire remains, not only secret, but mostly unfulfilled.

But for my imagination and homoerotic art (I hate most pornography), I am for all intents and purposes living in a world where women are the only attractive people I ever see.

So it has been so confusing me for so so long.

I thought as I got older this might simmer down, but the older I have got the more powerful these desires and fantasies get. These desires are so so so powerful it's agonising and sometimes I wish I could switch them off because when I'm not having these thoughts, everything in life goes pretty bloody well and I don't feel confused or guilty.

Anyway, sorry if that's all too much but I hope to be able to speak to other men who understand my predicament, so I'm not so alone in this.

Thanks

Luke

Hey Luke, thanks for sharing your experience with us! It sounds like you've been navigating a really difficult situation for some time now. I can relate to how these feelings can really fluctuate too. It's great that you've taken this step in visiting DALE to share your experience, there's a lot of likeminded guys on here that have shared similar experiences which I hope you can find some support through.

Hey Luke.
I can't tell you how much I can relate to your story! I'm 58, married to a woman since age 30. Before that, I had enjoyed that intense sexual drive with guys. Something I have never to this day experienced with a woman. Sex with my wife, or any of the four woman I have been with, has always been a chore.mEven my first experience with a woman, at age 24 was a complete failure with me unable to perform. I was "nervous." But oddly, a I was NEVER "nervous" with a guy. Looking back, it all makes so much sense. But as a young man, I was just filled with the internalized homophobia. I'd get so excited knowing I was going to have some fun with a guy. And whe I was done, I was disgusted with myself....until the next time..which was always just around the corner. Over the years, I've grown to accept my sexuality. I know now ai'm gay.

Hi Luke
Thank you for sharing so honestly, because I think everyone here at DALE knows just how intimately personal our experiences are.

I can certainly relate to the aspect of complexity that you describe. Attraction, desire, sexual energy, sexual fantasy...they are not neatly divided into to groups of girls vs boys. I think that can be an oversimplification of the reality, which is that human sexuality thrives of variety.
Your description of clothed vs naked attraction is really interesting, and probably more common that people often talk about.

The 'Forbidden Fruit' aspect is also really interesting, and I certainly can relate.
When I was dating women I would often feel pressured to hide the fact that secretly desiring men was more exciting to me than the girlfriend sitting next to me. It was rough, and took so much emotional and mental energy. But just like you, there were some things I preferred with women than men, so I felt like a straight man with a 'fetish' for some guy stuff. It confused me. Was I gay, bi, or something else?

For example. With one sweet, amazing girlfriend I was seeing, I accidentally developed a huge attraction to her older brother.
We would double-date ; me with my girlfriend, and her older brother with his partner.
My gf's older brother was a very fit, charming, handsome army officer, and I remember feeling butterflies in my stomach and being more excited about seeing him than I as my girlfriend. I guess I idolised him and looked up to him, and enjoyed his company a lot.

When he spoke to me or laughed at my jokes I struggled because it made me feel almost too happy, and it was risky looking into his eyes or staring too much when we all spent time together.
In the end I had to end the relationship with my gf after a year of secretly being in love with her military brother. I felt guilty, like I was living a double life, lusting after the guy who MIGHT have ended up being my brother-in-law one day. And I became paranoid that he could tell I had a crush on him.

Ultimately, I had to accept that my heart and my hormones sometimes had a mind of their own. It was not until several years later that I accepted I might be anything other than straight, but I guess I needed to reach my understanding of my identity in my own time.

Thank you again for sharing, and so honestly reminding us that attraction and desire are not perfectly divided into two. The reality is more complex, blended, and even changing over time.