Thanks James76 for starting this thread as it mirrors the daily struggle I have. I'm in my early 40's, married to a woman I love and together have four healthy, happy kids. Two years ago I admitted to my wife that I thought I was gay. This occurred because our sex life was waning and she thought I might be having an affair. I wasn't, I was just fantasizing about pleasing other men. After much heartache and discussion we stayed together deciding it was guilt from hiding a taboo fantasy. Our sex life improved when toys were introduced. It wasn't long though before we started having problems again. I will put a lot of pressure on myself that if I wasn't rock hard that our relationship was at stake. The irony of that though is sex is a mental state and if you are worried about losing your hard on, you probably will (unless you have a teenage libido🙂).
A couple of weeks ago, after another failed tumble, I told her I was still struggling with my sexual identity. I was emboldened by the posts on here to be honest with her. If I am honest with myself admitting I'm gay feels a lot truer than saying I am not.
I am at the point now where I am asking, how do I give up the loving world I know, (she still loves me and wants me to be her husband) and enter a life I have little or no knowledge of. My experience with other men is limited to massages, which I really enjoyed and looking at Craigslist posts.
I live in the bayside suburbs of Brisbane and I am worried about entering a world of cum drops, glory holes and blo n go's.

Hi Krisp, I sounds familiar the sex anxiety and hardness ritual. I know what you are saying and the frustration involved

Hi Guys,

You're all experiencing pain caused by not making a decision. This is what it's like to deny and suppress your true feelings. It's very difficult. Everyone has a different threshold for pain and so until you reach that threshold you won't make a change in your life.

Accepting your sexuality is one of the most difficult steps men like us (including me) take. It means being brutally honest with yourself about what you really want, and how you see your life in the future.

Of course, it's scary, but your fear is because you're not sure what will happen next, and also that you don't want to hurt anyone in the process. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do about the hurt. That will inevitably happen, but it doesn't mean you can't be caring and supportive in the process. You'll both need support as my experience is that these situations usually end in divorce.

FEAR= False Evidence Appearing Real. Don't let fear overwhelm you. It's just the way our body tries to protect us. You can control fear, and learn to make decisions that make sense.

As far as knowing what happens next, well, that's anyone's guess. In my experiences working with many men in this situation, it usually goes much better than they anticipate. In other words, they aren't very good at seeing into the future. I don't know anyone that is, so my advice is you shouldn't try.

Be authentic, be honest, make decisions with integrity and you can't go wrong. In my experience with myself and the hundreds of men I've supported, once you truly accept yourself, i.e. decide that it's ok to be gay, you'll find things start to improve.
You'll feel better. Then take it one step at a time. Do you know how to eat an elephant? One bight at a time.

If you feel the need to talk to someone about your situation try calling the GAMMA Hotline on 1800 804 617. They have a lot of experience supporting men in your situation.

I'm really struggling. I love my wife sooo much. I've seen a few guys before but afterwards the guilt and std anxiety drives me to depression and strong anxiety. If I could only see other clean married men I could trust for sex and continue my happy marriage it would be easy. Maybe? Or am I being greedy and selfish.? Is it really cheating on your wife if you love her and not the man you're messing about with? If I mess about do I really love my wife?
I'm 41 and the more people I talk to about this the more gay men say "I was married with children and then I came out when the kids got older and I haven't been happier since"
I don't think I'm ready for that future or want it?

Hey mate, I have asked myself all those questions too, I didn't really think of it as cheating, but when my wife found out she definitely considered it as cheating and hurt her a lot. We are still working out what our future will look like, but it feels much better (for me) that she knows.... she is still in shock.

Hi Quention any advise for someone dealing with the same thing. I feel like im getting more depressed and actually finding myself starting fighting with my wife so i have an excuse to leave for a few hour, days and sometimes weeks. How can i keep my two lives separate especially when i think my wife is starting to wonder and keeps questioning me

I can't stop fantasising about pleasing another man. It's really difficult for me because I have had these fantasies and raw desires for decades and they have only got stronger, more fetishistic, solidified and specific. Which means, less easy to be honest about and less likely to happen but far more psychological and dependent on the forbidden and kinky, than sexual desires which find a healthy outlet would be.

Therefore my sexuality has become intrinsically closeted and kind of warped. I'm almost as sexually uninterested in coming out and having an honest, normal gay relationship, as I am sexually with heterosexual married life.

I have become attached to the forbidden facet of secretly needing another man and being vulnerable in his power without anyone in the world knowing. Coming out, making it above board, honest and safe stills my beating heart and quells my libido, just like heterosexual sex or a cold shower does.

God I wish I had been honest with myself sooner so I could have found a healthy outlet before my sexuality became such a Frankenstein's monster.

I'm not sure you are a monster, Luke.

"Coming out" is different for everyone. It doesn't mean that you have to do any of the things other guys do who live as their authentic self. There is no "position description" for living as your authentic self. Once you settle with yourself on what gives you peace and contentment, pursue those things.

I take your point, though, about being honest with ourselves sooner. However, it was/is/will be bloody hard work whenever we decide(d) to do so. We only imagine that it would have been easier previously based on what we know now. We didn't know back then what we know now. That's why we didn't make the changes then. So, don't beat up on yourself.

At the end of the day, we cannot be happy pleasing other people. I tried this for 48 years. When I "bit the bullet" and decided to be honest with me, I have never been happier or healthier since. That was just on four years ago. It's been lots of work and has cost me dearly. But, I will never return to my old life.

Hang in there, Luke and others. And check in here from time to time.

Guy