Hi, I am almost 30 and in a committed straight relationship for the past 8 years. I love her and share an amazing relationship with her family.

During my early to mid 20s, I thought my gay feelings were either a phase or it will always be easy enough to suppress. Over the past 6 months however, it has become overwhelming. I once drunk texted my girlfriend and told her I have something super important I need to discuss the next day. I obviously woke up sober and realized I couldn't do what drunk me wanted to (come out).

I come from an anti-gay family and community. My brothers and friends make fun of gay guys and as much as it crushes me, I go along and laugh to hide my true self.

I want to come out but I have a few serious fears. 1. I don't want to hurt my girlfriend because I do really love her. She deserves to be happy. I wasted eight years of her life. I know I sound stupid.

2. I feel bad that I will disappoint her family who love me so much.

3. My mum and dad will be hurt and I will be unable to fulfill their wish of seeing me get married and having kids. I know I can as a gay man but that's not how they envision this dream of their. I will really hurt and disappoint them. They are quite old and not in good health.

I have no idea how to deal with this. I feel immense guilt and anxiety.
I never got intimate with a guy however when I am drunk I start to think about ways I can do so, in secret. I am so glad I failed at making that happen.

Nova, firstly mate, thanks for trusting us all enough to share what you're going through. Honestly, I know how hard and confronting that can be, even when anonymous, and even when you're talking to other guys who have been through similar experiences.

DALE Live Chats might also be really useful for you to talk openly and nut out what you're thinking.

There's no magic fix - but there really are lots of viable options (even if it doesn't feel like that for you yet).

Your life is still yours, and you are still you.

And the guilt / anxiety is totally understandable. Many guys like you, including myself, have expressed similar feelings in a dilemma like ours.

Please remember you're not alone.

If you ever need any specific help, click on the Support tab at the top of the DALE page for links.

It can be so hard feeling like your whole family and your girlfriend's family will be disappointed with you - but try not to get too many steps ahead of yourself, and never feel rushed to make any decisions yet.

We are here if you need to vent, talk, ask.......we're all good listeners here.

Jimbo

Hi Nova,

As an out gay man who was married for 2 years I can tell you I know what you're feeling. It sounds like it is a struggle for you to suppress your identity, and from experience I know how hard this is. The guilt and anxiety is normal and something that will take time to work through.
I would definitely suggest joining a live chat so you can talk to someone from the project who has experienced what you are going through.
Ultimately though you need to be happy, and true to yourself.
Here for you if you need support.
Tim

Thank you Tim and Jimbo.
Your responses represent the first ever "help" I have got as this is the first time I ever expressed myself.
It means a lot to know I am not alone.

Regards, Nova

Hi Lang,
I host a live chat every Monday around 6pm AEST so if you do want to chat about your situation please come join one night :)
Tim