I went through many messages here and found that I’m in the same pickle jar as many others. I’m married for many years with a toddler, starting to grow interest to male one year later after my little one was born. I’m to scared to make any moves apart from watching a bit gay porn occasionally to let out my urge. I don’t want to hurt my beloved wife, not mention my little one who I’m willing to sacrifice my life to protect. I know if my wife knows, she will take my little one with her and move back to her hometown. I want to see him grow up. I don’t want to miss a single moment in that journey. But I can’t even function well during sex nowadays. It’s exhausting to come up with all the excuses to avoid sex, not fair to her either. Self loathing is eating me alive. I don’t know how long I can live with this depression. But I will sure withstand it until my little one get a bit older.

Hi,
I can relate to your situation. It could be quite distressing trying to suppress these feelings. There could be a moral conflict especially when you have a loving family.

Thanks for sharing your situation with us UnsureDad.

As you say, it's the type of difficulty that DALE is here to help with.

Obviously I'm no expert, as this is a peer-led forum, and I don't pretend to have all the answers. For professional help you can always click on the Support tab above on this site.

But, despite just being a peer, I would definitely make the observation that your sexuality does not make you any less of a father, and does nothing to remove your rights and responsibilities as a parent.
And nobody has any right to make you feel like it does.

You are understandably concerned that your wife could react badly if you were to reveal your same-gender attraction, but it's often important to remember that keeping your secret private does not make you a 'bad' person...it makes you a complex person, with very human problems. So many guys feel like they are the villain...but we are not.

I find this is important, because if we let our secrets feel shameful we might judge ourselves and subconsciously assume a 'bad person' label.
Combined with the potential scandal of coming out, we assume the other party will have the right to punish us, take action against us etc.

Please remember...even after coming out you still have rights. And you can trust your future self to handle things better than you might give him credit for.

Guilt is a huge part of being same-gender attracted while in a relationship with a woman...I remember, because I was in the same situation myself.
But feeling guilty doesn't mean you're in the wrong. You have a right to exist as your authentic self.

Take care mate, and please don't feel rushed to take any action until you're ready, and can do it safely.

Jimbo

It sounds like you're navigating a challenging situation with a lot of emotional complexity. It’s commendable that you’re approaching this with a sense of care for your family, especially considering your commitment to your wife and your child. Here are a few positive perspectives to consider:

Self-Reflection: Acknowledging your feelings is an important step. It shows you are introspective and aware of your own desires and needs, which is essential for personal growth.

Open Communication: While it may feel daunting, fostering open communication with your spouse about feelings and desires can strengthen your relationship. This doesn’t mean revealing everything immediately, but creating a space where both of you can share and understand each other better can be beneficial.
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