Hi, I am almost 30 and in a committed straight relationship for the past 8 years. I love her and share an amazing relationship with her family.
During my early to mid 20s, I thought my gay feelings were either a phase or it will always be easy enough to suppress. Over the past 6 months however, it has become overwhelming. I once drunk texted my girlfriend and told her I have something super important I need to discuss the next day. I obviously woke up sober and realized I couldn't do what drunk me wanted to (come out).
I come from an anti-gay family and community. My brothers and friends make fun of gay guys and as much as it crushes me, I go along and laugh to hide my true self.
I want to come out but I have a few serious fears. 1. I don't want to hurt my girlfriend because I do really love her. She deserves to be happy. I wasted eight years of her life. I know I sound stupid.
2. I feel bad that I will disappoint her family who love me so much.
3. My mum and dad will be hurt and I will be unable to fulfill their wish of seeing me get married and having kids. I know I can as a gay man but that's not how they envision this dream of their. I will really hurt and disappoint them. They are quite old and not in good health.
I have no idea how to deal with this. I feel immense guilt and anxiety.
I never got intimate with a guy however when I am drunk I start to think about ways I can do so, in secret. I am so glad I failed at making that happen.